


The wedding invitation

by letmedieinpeace



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Body Dysphoria, F/M, Hurt, Jealousy, Longing, M/M, Mistakes, Unrequited Love, based off of the song heather, felix and chan emotional support, jisung dates a girl, minho dumb, minho is a mess, minho wears a skirt breifly, ryujin minho's sister
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:01:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26597998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/letmedieinpeace/pseuds/letmedieinpeace
Summary: Minho realises too late that he has feelings for Jisung. Now he has to watch the younger boy fall in love with someone else.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Comments: 14
Kudos: 49





	The wedding invitation

**Author's Note:**

> Songs I recommend listening to while reading:  
> Heather - Conan Gray (literally what this whole oneshot is based off of)  
> Fool - Cavetown  
> Green - Cavetown  
> The Cut that Always Bleeds - Conan Gray  
> Comfort Crowd - Conan Gray  
> These are just the songs that I listened to while writing

“By the way, I never asked why you weren’t at Jisung’s wedding,” Seungmin says to Minho with curiosity, not realising the worm-hole of pain he had started in Minho’s stomach.

“Wedding?” Minho mutters, furrowing his eyebrows and looking down at his fingers fidgeting on the table.

“Yeah, he finally tied the knot with Yulin after all these years. It was a surprise to not see you there! Jeongin and Hyunjin also couldn’t make it but out of all of our old friend group, I would have thought you would be their in an instant,” Seungmin chuckles nostalgically, lifting his mug of hot tea to his lips and blowing slightly on the steam rising to his eyes.

“Oh, I didn’t know they were engaged…” Minho says in a non-chantlent fashion desperately trying to ignore the sound of his heart cracking one last time over Jisung. After all these years the younger boy, now a man, still has an effect on him. Minho knew it wasn’t the same feeling he had experienced all those years ago over Jisung but instead just one final punch to his heart about the stupid mistakes he had made.

The feelings he had once had for the boy had long left him as Minho knew he had to move on but there had always been an empty loneliness living inside of his heart from where his best friend had once been. It was all his fault over why Jisung and him stopped talking; all of it. Every decision he made led him to where he was now listening to Seungmin talk about how amazing their wedding had been, the one that Minho hadn’t been invited to.

A part of Minho wasn’t surprised that he had been left off the guest list as he had blatantly left Jisung in the past but to think of all his old friends in one place having fun without him made Minho feel sick. Today all he had wanted to do was meet with Seungmin for a coffee and a catch up and to then go home to catch up on whatever TV show he hadn’t finished. Now Minho knew that as soon as he got home he would go through his friend’s facebook accounts and other social media accounts to see this painfully wonderful wedding he wasn’t invited to.

“And then Jisung started crying even more than his wife just because Chan started tearing up in front of everyone,” Seungmin laughs, Minho realising how he hadn’t been paying attention to the story the other had been talking about.

“That sounds like a Jisung thing to do,” Minho chuckles as realistically as possible after only listening to the end of the story.

“It really is,” Seungmin sighs, his eyes unfocussing slightly, Minho immediately knowing he is thinking back to the wedding again, “Anyway, I have to go now, the excited life of an underpaid employee right,” Seungmin smiles as he packs up his things and waves goodbye to Minho.

As the other leaves, Minho keeps a smile on his face and says goodbye in a convincing voice, now holding himself as best he can before his whole facade falls apart. When Seungmin fell out of his eyeline, Minho’s shoulders immediately sank as he stared back down at the table with only his empty mug left. The only thing keeping him company was the swarming loneliness in his stomach that hadn’t been there since he had last seen Jisung, years ago when his last mistake took place.

Minho’s first mistake started all the way back when the two of them were in university. Jisung was a music major, hoping to become a producer and Minho studying veterinary science. They had both met after Jisung got confused between his dorm room and Minho’s on countless occasions after late parties. After the fifth time this happened, Minho let the boy stay with him during the night instead of kicking him out where neither of them slept and instead just talked about how Jisung would fight Thanos without hesitation if it meant he got a lifetime supply of cheesecake. Minho only laughed at the boy, finding it calming in his presence and his inner child being able to come out for the first time since he started uni’.

Jisung frequently kept going to Minho’s room in the middle of the night after telling Minho he had apparently been at a party or he was too lazy to go to his room which was one door over from Minho’s. Still the older would always let him in no matter what time seeing as he had no roommate and liked the energy Jisung bought with him. Soon it just became a ritual to have Jisung sleep in Minho’s room like it was his own. Minho never questioned how often the younger came over or why he took his clothes, instead just rolling his eyes and laughing. For the first year and a half that was how it all went.

He should have seen all the signs way back then but someone else had blinded Minho from all the antics Jisung played. That's when he found his first love, his first boyfriend, his first heartbreak.

It was so exhilarating for Minho, for him to finally know what it was like to feel completely in love with someone. Looking back on it, he shouldn’t have moved so fast with the other boy but he couldn’t blame his younger self for his excitement for everything. This infatuation and love ended up covering Minho’s eyes towards how Jisung began to act around him. It was only little things like avoiding to talk about Minho’s boyfriend and gradually beginning to stop hanging around in Minho's dorm. That was until the fateful day Minho caught his boyfriend sleeping with another man from his dorm and his heart broke for the first time. Compared to now, it was only a small crack; small but deep enough to keep Minho from wanting to fall that hard again.

Jisung was immediately there for him, staying up late to watch Twilight, claiming it was the ultimate film series to watch because it was so romantically stupid. He was right and it had helped Minho forget for that night the pain he still felt. Both of them had fallen asleep on top of each other, Minho resting his head on Jisung’s shoulder and Jisung’s head on top of Minho’s.

Minho’s first mistake didn’t happen too long after that. Both of the boys enjoyed another quiet day but this time in a small quiet field just outside of the university campus. Jisung had yet again stolen one of Minho’s hoodies, the sleeves going past his hands but Jisung scrunching them up slightly into his fist as he stared into the distance. It was one of the rare occasions the other was so quiet with Minho, something clearly on his mind but Minho knew to let the younger tell him when he needed to.

The spring time was always Minho’s favourite time of the year as all the plants came back to life slowly after being asleep for so long. He enjoyed how the sky above would be crystal clear but the world still frozen slightly in the cold. It was refreshing compared to the endless heat you get in summer and the dreary cold you get in winter.

“Minho I have something to tell you but I want you to know that I don’t care what your answer will be at all. Well I will care but I won’t take it too much to heart if you do say no even if it will hurt me a lot but that is all fine,” Jisung rambles on, earning an eyebrow raise from Minho.

“Come on, spill it Ji’” Minho laughs, nudging the other slightly but not earning the usual fun smirk Jisung would show before he would start trying to shove Minho back. Instead Jisung keeps on staring into space, his lip slowly turning a darker red as he carries on biting it.

“I really like you. And I don’t mean in a friendly way, I mean like I really really like you Minho. I have since I first walked into your room. After that I would purposely go into your room just to see you even if you kicked me out. Then you let me stay over and I got to see you laugh and joke around and I fell for you even more. Sometimes I can’t handle the feelings I have towards you and I feel like I will explode but all I do is think about you. You make me feel warm and safe like nothing bad could happen. When you started dating Jaeho it hurt a lot because I knew I would never be the person you look at the way you looked at him,” Jisung took a breath and began to fiddle with the sleeves of Minho’s hoodie he was wearing, “And I know you don’t like me like that, especially since you are still getting over Jaeho but I can’t keep it to myself anymore.”

For the first time since they met, an uncomfortable silence had settled between them as Minho took in everything Jisung had told him. Minho had never thought of Jisung in any way other than just a friend at that point, mainly due to being head over heels for someone else. Well maybe that wasn’t completely true as Minho had had a couple of nights of watching Jisung laugh next to him and feeling the same warmth Jisung had felt but he never delved into those feelings more than just a surface level slight attraction to the boy. There wasn’t much you couldn’t love about Jisung; he was smart, funny, attractive, full of talent and still one of the kindest people he knew. But as much as Minho wanted to try and rationalise everything going through his head to figure out whether or not he did have more of an attraction to Jisung than he realised, all Minho felt was panic.

Panic of being heartbroken and alone again. He didn’t ever want to feel so useless again and despite knowing Jisung would never do such a thing, there was still a slight fear that it would all happen again.

“Uhm, well, ok,” Minho was lost for words, now struggling to work out what to say to the other.

“Shit I thought I could do this and I wouldn’t care about the outcome but fuck it hurts a lot more than I thought. It is whatever Minho you don’t need to say anything I just wanted to finally tell you,” Jisung forces a smile and looks up at Minho for the first time since they started talking and started getting up to run away from the other who was still trying to work out what to say.

“No wait Jisung. Don’t leave, just let me figure out what to say,” Minho shoots up to stop Jisung, both of them standing in front of each other with Jisung’s eyes slightly teary as he looks into Minho’s eyes, “I’m not going to lie about and say I have never thought about you in any way other than a friend but I just can’t. You said it yourself, I’m still getting over Jaeho and I can’t go through that pain again. I know you would never do that to me but I don’t want to ultimately ruin our relationship because I am too scared to do anything that will result in the same outcome as last time.”

Jisung only nods, looking away from Minho and back down at the ground as he sniffles slightly. Minho wanted to hug the other but knew that would make this all the more conflicting and might end up hurting Jisung more.

“It’s ok. I already knew this would happen so at least I got it out hey,” Jisung chuckles but no happiness comes from his words.

“I’m sorry Jisung. If there is anything I can do to make it up to you I swear…” Minho whispers, feeling guilt as he watches Jisung avoid all contact with the other now and listens to his sniffles.

“I don’t think there is much I can get you to do. I’m just going to go back to the dorm and cry, I think,” Jisung sighs, smiling one last time but his eyes still producing tears.

Minho just watches him leave, a slight drop of emptiness appearing inside of him again as he knew whatever decision he just made was the wrong one.

And it was the first of multiple bad mistakes that led him to being without Jisung now.

  
  
  


There was an obvious rift now between Minho and Jisung as they both avoided each other; Jisung trying to get rid of his feelings towards Minho and Minho not wanting to make things harder on the latter. Their friends noticed the distance between them as they hung out together but none of them knew what really had happened as both Jisung and Minho decided not to say anything.

As time went on, it began to hurt more and more for Minho to stay away as guilt for turning down the other over being scared started to grow inside him. Each day he would wait on his bed for Jisung to finally knock on the door to come in for an impromptu sleepover in his room; most days he didn’t realise he was waiting for him specifically but in the end he would go to sleep by himself again. It was cold by himself from the inside out.

“Just talk to him, just talk to him, just talk to him,” Minho muttered to himself as he stood in his room by the door, getting ready to go to Jisung’s room and talk to him.

It had been almost a month and Minho couldn’t handle the constant absence of the younger boy from his life. He had hung out with his other friends but it wasn’t the same as being with the loud boy that could make any activity enjoyable. It was around the time Jisung would appear at Minho’s door and demand to stay in his room, but yet again he hadn’t appeared. Minho decided that for the first time he would go across to Jisung’s room and surprise the younger. He hoped he was finally better and wouldn’t immediately shut the door in his face. That would end up adding more pain to the knot in his stomach that hasn’t left since the day he turned down Jisung.

In one quick movement of confidence, Minho swings open the door but is immediately stopped by the one boy he wanted to see standing on the other side, his arm reaching up to knock on the door.

“Oh-”

“Oh-”

Both of them say at the same time as they look at each other in slight bewilderment; Jisung slowly dropping his fist. Minho just smiles slightly at the other, pure happiness spreading through him as he realises that Jisung came to his door to see him.

“I was wondering if you wanted to have a sleepover… and catch up,” Jisung says quietly, nervousness dripping off his words as he looks down slightly. Minho immediately nods, grabbing Jisung’s wrist, pulling him inside and hugging him.

“I have missed you so much,” Minho mutters quietly, reaching behind Jisung and closing the door while still holding the boy to him. After a few seconds though, Minho quickly unattached, realising this might upset Jisung if he starts acting too affectionate with him if he is trying to get over the older boy.

“I missed you too,” Jisung laughs, immediately jumping onto the bed as though he hasn’t been gone for almost a month. Minho quickly sorts out the duvet, trying to cover up a patch by his pillow that was slightly damp after crying slightly only a few hours ago as the emptiness had swallowed him.

The two of them continued to talk without any sign of the rift that had formed between them. Jisung went over everything he had done over the last few weeks excitedly like how he found some money on the pavement and got an iced americano with it, claiming it was technically “free”.

The warmth Minho had missed so dearly had returned as he watched Jisung laugh and dramatically act out the adventures he had been on. Everything that had caused such a storm inside of Minho had disappeared as he let Jisung’s laughter fill his head. But Minho could still feel something between them, something stopping Jisung from cuddling next to him, something stopping Minho from playing with Jisung’s hands.

“Hey, this is yours by the way,” Jisung says as he begins to take the hoodie he had stolen from Minho off, “I have washed it and shit but I figured you would want it back.”

“I actually don't. It is my gift to you for being amazing no matter how annoying you are,” Minho laughs slightly, forcing Jisung back down before he fully takes the hoodie off. In reality, Minho liked how it looked on Jisung and would purposely keep it out when Jisung would come over as he knew the younger would take it. It was a light blue and loose fitting due to years of wearing it.

“Oh OK. I suppose that is good because I didn’t actually wash it and I probably would have stolen it back oops,” Jisung laughs as Minho shoves him slightly when he says that he didn’t wash the hoodie.

By the end of the night with Jisung half hanging off the bed asleep, Minho sighs in relief that Jisung and him were finally somewhat back to normal, well he hoped. He would never trade the happiness he felt around Jisung for anything. What Minho doesn’t realise is how he has done the one thing he was scared he would do; he had fallen back in love.

  
  
  


Despite that night with Jisung again, Minho still hardly saw the other nearly as much as he did before but still enough to not fall back into loneliness. Jisung kept cancelling on their usual plans due to studying or work and Minho knew a part of it was true. He also knew another reason Jisung was reducing the amount of time they spent together was due to him wanting to get over the older boy so Minho respected his wishes. 

This was mainly due to Chan talking to Minho about how the boy was doing one day; explaining how he was after Minho had turned him down. Up to that point, Minho and Jisung had avoided talking about that day and about what happened behind closed doors when they were alone. However, Chan had told him how badly Jisung had taken it all, saying how Jisung had multiple panic attacks over how he thought Minho didn’t want to be his friend anymore.

Hearing this made Minho’s insides cramp up slightly with guilt and yet again remembering what he said to Jisung. Chan also told him how Minho should make sure he doesn’t immediately jump back into being overly affectionate with the other like he was before, him being worried that Jisung will end up falling back into the same state as before.

Of course, Minho agreed and made sure to set mental boundaries and reminders of how to act when with Jisung out of fear that the other will be upset again. Talking about the confession with Chan made Minho start to think about what Jisung had said to him and how Minho had made the other feel. The confession stayed on Minho’s mind days after his catch up with Chan, still keeping a slight distance from Jisung. Something about it pulled at his heart the more he thought about what Jisung said.

_ “All I do is think about you” _

_ “You make me feel warm and safe” _

Those words played on repeat in his head each night as he remembers Jisung’s face when he confessed. The confession had engrained itself into a part of Minho’s brain as it caused him to fall into another dark hole whenever Jisung wasn’t there. As usual, Minho kept it all to himself, just like he had done before; letting the knot in his stomach grow slightly but not too much. It was a common feeling to him now as it would reside inside of him whenever he was alone to his thoughts. Most nights, Minho was too scared to go to bed as he would get dragged to the back of his head and into a dark hole of thoughts causing him to curl into a ball to get rid of the feeling.

Minho knew what this feeling was as it was obvious. It was the loneliness that comes with him keeping everything to himself and setting barriers. This was the feeling where all his insecurities spur from him, all his hidden thoughts and feelings. When he turned down Jisung, it had caused that pain to grow significantly as it felt like every choice he had made was wrong and that Minho could only fuck up relationships he was in.

Still he managed to find a way to stop that pain from increasing and that was by thinking about Jisung. As corny as it was, thinking about him made Minho remember how he hasn’t fucked up everything completely in their friendship. He also knew there was something else lurking in his head whenever he thought about Jisung. The slight jump his heart makes whenever he thinks about the boy smiling, the excitement that builds when he remembers he will see him the next day, the warmth that spreads through him whenever his name is merely mentioned.

That's when it comes crashing down on Minho why his answer to Jisung’s confession had left him with so much guilt; it was the wrong answer but Minho realised it too late. He realised he had the same feelings Jisung had for him too late.

And there was nothing he could do about it now.

  
  
  
  


Minho knew the other boy wasn’t fully over him but knew it was a bad idea to now go tell him how he truly feels. Doing that will ultimately mess with Jisung more than anything else. Minho just decided to squash down all his feelings for the latter despite how they grew each time he saw the other. It was too late to bother owning up to them now.

As the end of the academic year began to approach, Minho saw less of Jisung due to studying for the oncoming exams. It wasn’t a bad thing, it just meant Minho ended up missing Jisung even more as he let his feelings morph into loneliness inside of him. His friends had slowly begun to realise something was wrong with him but each of them failed to get Minho to open up about it all. In reality, Minho was embarrassed about how he felt and the painful knot in his stomach.

It was embarrassing to admit that he made the wrong decision of turning down Jisung and how much it hurt being alone. Minho didn’t want to be seen as some weak boy who couldn’t handle being alone. By that point, he was unsure if it was the darkness in his stomach telling him to keep it all to himself or his pointless pride. If he did finally talk to any of the others about the emptiness he feels without Jisung, they would all tell him the same thing: to confess to the other boy before it was too late.

But it already was and Minho couldn’t face the possibility of ending up like how Jisung was after he confessed his feelings. What didn’t help was the constant nagging in his head whenever he was with the other boy to tell him everything. Each time he was with the other, his heart felt like jumping out of his body like a magnet to go to their opposite pair; Jisung’s heart. Yet Minho still stayed in miserable silence, instead focussing his energy on studying and pushing everything inside down.

It wasn’t long until Minho noticed the change in Jisung’s behaviour towards him though. At first it was small things like not cuddling into Minho’s side when he stayed over in his room. Then it was the absence of the flirty and witty comebacks Jisung would throw at Minho. It wasn’t that Jisung was turning cold towards the older boy, in fact they still had their tight bond with each other like being able to talk to each other without words. But Minho knew something was missing behind the Jisung’s eyes when he looked at him. It was a look he missed so much; the way his eyes shone whenever Minho would smile at him. Now that is gone and his eyes haunt Minho’s mind each night before he goes to sleep.

“Hey Minho, hey are you good?” Jisung laughs, waving his hand in front of the other’s face, “You seem off in your own world. Take me with you please.”

Minho just smiles back at the other, taking in Jisung’s laughter as though they were the only thing keeping him alive.

“I don’t think you would really like it there if you ask me,” Minho laughs slightly, more out of self pity than anything. Yet again he was with Jisung at their local coffee shop; Minho already felt the knots in his stomach grow as he saw Jisung look at him without a second thought.

“Well I was trying to tell you about how I have to do group work now until the end of this year for my final grade. It’s a nice project,” Jisung says calmly, a smile forming on his lips that doesn’t go unnoticed by Minho.

“Really? You need some help with it? I mean I’m obviously no song writer but I have been told I am very good company,” Minho tries to ignore the reminiscent smile on Jisung’s face that pains him more than it should have.

“No I’m fine…” Jisung’s eyes quickly focus onto something behind Minho as words stop forming in Jisung’s mouth. Minho turns around to see who the subject of Jisung’s attention was.

As soon as he saw her it was obvious. There in the middle of the shop, in front of the counter, stood a girl wearing a pink knitted sweater with eyes that shone like the night sky full of stars. Immediately Minho felt another crack form in his heart; not nearly as deep as the last one but still harmful enough to let the knots inside of him become tighter.

It was clear where the light Jisung once had behind his eyes when he looked at the other had gone. Minho could see it right in front of him as he turned back to the other boy. Jisung’s eyes shone just as they had done before but this time they were solely on the girl standing by the counter. Minho watched as Jisung’s eyes followed the girl out of the shop and how he sighed once she left his eyeline.

“Uh, Jisung. Do you have something you would like to share?” as much as it pains him to know the obvious answer he still asks for the sake of being there for Jisung.

“Heh- I guess you noticed that then. Nothing goes past you Lee Minho,” Jisung chuckled softly as he looked back down at the table, “She is one of the people in my group. She has a voice of an angel and the heart of one too. She is so sweet and caring I feel like I’m going to combust whenever I’m with her.”

Minho yet again ignores the other cracks forming slowly on his heart.

“Oh, what’s her name?” Minho smiles, taking a drink of his iced americano to distract himself from the storm inside of him.

“Yulin. She just moved from China and I have been showing her around town to all the best spots,” Jisung smiles, his eyes getting lost for a second.

_ “The best spots” _

Minho knew those spots. Those were where him and Jisung went; ones that Minho had shown the other boy because Jisung didn’t like places that were overly crowded.

The coffee shop they were in was one of them…

“Well of course you would do that, you're too nice for your own good,” Minho smiles, meaning everything he said.

“If I’m too nice then she must be a literal angel. Agh this is embarrassing, I have done it again. I have fallen for someone I have no chance with!” Jisung pulls a face and smacks his head onto the table.

Minho only winces slightly at the others words, remembering yet again how wrong he had been in the past with his decision with Jisung. He doesn’t want to see Jisung go through that again more than anything. Seeing him by himself and longing for someone else hurt more than Minho seeing Jisung happy with someone else. So that is what he planned to do.

“I don’t think you have. This time I think it will end up in your favour,” Minho smiles forcefully just for the other boy.

“Really?”

“Yes, I will make sure of it, I promise,” Minho smiles one last time as a loud crack inside of his heart deafens him.

But he still kept his promise, making it the second mistake he had made that destroyed his heart.

  
  


Jisung was right. The girl was an angel in every sense of the word. She was nice, beautiful, full of compassion for everything and had the prettiest voice he had ever heard (well after Jisung’s). Luckily, both Jisung and Yulin had a lot in common, a lot more than Minho had with Jisung. Yet again another reason why she was better than Minho. Both of them enjoyed writing music, enjoyed watching films and both of them had the same goofy personality. Minho knew all this from the numerous times he had sat with them as they gushed about everything they loved, all in an act of trying to be a good friend to Jisung. There was an obvious connection between the two as they looked into each other’s eyes and light shone from them. It continuously felt like an endless punishment whenever Minho was stuck sitting with them; still only staying because Jisung didn’t want to be alone with her. Each night he tried to forget about how they looked at one another but nothing worked as he cried so hard into his pillows no noise came out.

As much as he did cry, it didn’t get rid of the ever tying knots inside of him. Each of them represented another part of his being he hated; each of them representing every reason Yulin was better than him.

  
  
  


It began as small things, like wearing more lighter colours and having a smile always on his face as much as it hurt. They were only little differences but Jisung picked up on them, laughing at how the older boy had become a lot more joyful, obviously not knowing the inner turmoil constantly stirring inside Minho. It was when Jisung said the fateful line of “You remind me of Yulin,” did Minho realise just what he had begun to do. What hurt even more was that it made Minho feel better, he felt closer to Jisung again despite not being the centre of his attention anymore. It only grew from there.

Slowly, Jisung began to stop asking Minho to be with him when he was going to meet Yulin, claiming he knows what to do now and that he doesn’t need a babysitter. However, as much as those dates would pain Minho to be at, it was the only time he would spend time with Jisung as the other was constantly trying to spend time with his crush or having to do work for the end of the year. He still asked Minho to organise and plan out the dates as he was apparently more thought out than Jisung. His last memory of Jisung staying over in his room was so long ago he barely remembered what they did as much as he wanted to hold on.

But now it was the last step of the plan. So far Minho had gotten the two of them to go on their study dates and little coffee hang outs. He had even spoken to Yulin a few times on his own and would slide Jisung’s name into the conversation, mainly showing how much of a great person he was and none of it being a lie. Now he had to get Jisung to finally confess.

The last step, the one that hurt the most to help the boy with.

By this point, Minho’s whole character had changed. He no longer teased his friends or acted distant and like a lone wolf. He would instead constantly offer smiles and hugs to his friends. At first he was met with the usual weird look and some kind of remark before they gave in and let Minho act how he was. It wasn’t that Minho wanted to be clingy and sickeningly sweet but just like how wearing lighter colours made him feel closer to Jisung, he felt perfect.

Almost perfect.

He was never going to be who Jisung looks at, he would never be like Yulin; the girl that is perfect in every way even down to the alignment of her teeth. Minho was just a porcelain doll compared to her: the real thing. He could put a whole facade on about being sweet and friendly but he wasn’t the real thing. Instead he was just a boring boy who was constantly mean to his friends and was too scared of his own heart to consider someone else's who could have helped him. His thoughts were no longer his own as he just listened to the ever tightening knots and darkness that lived inside of him. 

Each time he was away from his friends, everything dropped like a mask shattering to the floor everyday, only for him to have to glue it back together for the next. No matter how hard Minho tried to go back to his authentic self, he would always be filled with self loathing and how no matter what he does he will never be perfect.

Minho planned everything for Jisung; every little detail of where, when and how he would ask out the angel posing as a girl. Of course it all had to be perfect, just for Jisung. As it was the end of the academic year, the university was hosting a summer fun day for students and families which would go on until the night. It was a good distraction from everything for Minho despite his attention still being on Jisung. He had managed to find the schedule and map of everything that would be happening on that day to help Jisung know exactly what to do. For the first half of the event, he and Yulin would spend time with the group but still together, Minho tried to make it clear to Jisung to make her feel like the centre of his attention. 

Then as the night time activities started to begin they would separate off from the group and do their own thing like play games to earn prizes and eat candy floss together. The last part was to go to a quiet area on the field before the fireworks and to finally tell her everything. Minho knew how unrealistically cheesy it all was but watching Jisung’s features light up at the thought of the perfect confession made Minho feel warm again.

Everything was going to plan as Minho hung back with Felix and Chan in the group as he watched Jisung walk with Yulin who had her arm linked with his. They already looked like a couple as a bitterness spread across his tongue. Felix and Chan’s constant glimpses at him didn’t help Minho feel any better. He knew that tonight his whole facade would completely collapse and even considered not coming but Jisung claimed he needed the older boy to be there in case everything fell to shit.

“Stop it,” Chan’s voice calmly calls from behind him as he places a gentle hand on his shoulder. The three of them stopped walking as Minho turned around to Chan and Felix’s worried expressions.

“Stop what?” Minho smiled, hoping that playing dumb will get the other to leave.

“Minho don’t do this to yourself,” Felix whispers to him, taking a step closer, “We aren’t completely oblivious you know. We have seen you watching Jisung and Yulin all day and long before that. You try so desperately to hide it all but we know you are hurting.”

Minho only stands in silence, not showing anything to the other boys despite desperately wanting to let everything out and get some help.

“I’m sorry that this is the way it is but it is heartbreaking having to watch you look at Jisung like that. And then to think that you are the reason the two of them will start dating tonight. Yes we know that you planned out everything for Jisung, he told us,” Chan pulls Minho out of the way of the path with Felix so they could talk somewhere more private.

“I don’t know what you mean,” Minho says stiffly, not wanting to break down in front of the two of them.

“Minho, I have seen this exact pain on Jisung, we’re not oblivious. This is exactly how he felt when you were dating that cunt Jaeho. Who do you think he went rambling too when you spent all your time with that man,” Felix says sternly, trying to break through Minho’s barriers.

Minho only stays quiet however, Felix’s words hitting something inside of him. The thought of Jisung sitting alone and in pain as Minho was having fun with his boyfriend hurt more than he wanted to admit. It was all his fault again. He continuously hurt Jisung no matter how hard he tried. His selfishness had left Jisung alone every time and even when he tried to make it up to his boy, his feelings were putting more of a rift between the two of them. That is when everything broke; his eyes becoming blurry from tears and heart hurting even more than before.

“Come here,” Felix grabs the older boy and wraps his arms around him, Chan following and sandwiching Minho.

“Why can’t I do anything right? Why do I constantly make bad decisions? Why can’t I be happy? Why can’t I make Jisung happy?” Minho cried in Felix’s shoulder, finally letting out everything he had wanted to.

“Minho you can’t expect to go your whole life without making mistakes. This is going to be one of many, some big, some small. In the end you just have to grow from them and acknowledge what you did wrong. And you are making Jisung happy. Look at him with Yulin. If it wasn’t for you, he wouldn’t be happily laughing with her right now,” Chan detaches himself from the group hug and rubs Minho’s arm, Felix shooting him a quick glare as he mentions Yulin.

“It hurts so much and no matter what I do it just sits inside of me like a heavy weight dragging me down. I tried so hard to be happier, more positive, more nice, more interesting, more like her,” Minho rambles, hating how tired and desperate his voice had become. Felix holds on to him harder as he looks at Chan for help.

“Oh God Minho. How could you even be here, knowing what is going to happen by the end of the night?” Felix sighs.

“I just want him to be happy and in a few hours he finally will be,” Minho says before pushing himself off Felix and looking at his watch deflatedly.

“He was already happy because of you Minho, there is nothing else you need to prove to him,” Chan smiles softly, “We should catch up with the others before they think we have been kidnapped. Minho please don’t hold on anymore. Just relax for the rest of the night and be yourself, not a cardboard cut out version of yourself with a fake smile and stiff movements.”

Minho only wiped his tears away and nodded his head. Luckily it was already growing dark so he could hide his puffy eyes and red cheeks. As Chan said, Minho let go of the mask he was holding onto and instead of keeping a constant smile on his face he just sat in silence with his friends, Felix and Chan on either side of him. The night went relatively quickly as they all sat on the field together and waited for the firework show. Jisung and Yulin had already disappeared but Minho let it go and instead kept his eyes focussed on the stars shining overhead. It was peaceful as the warm night air ruffled through his hair and the yelling from all his friends drowned out the conflict inside his head.

Five minutes before the firework display begins, Minho had let himself drift off slightly as he lay on the cool grass, the sound of his friend’s laughing providing some sort of lullaby for his constantly spinning mind. However, a body suddenly lands on top of him before he could fully drift off, earning a slight yell and gasps for air as the cause of his pain winded him.

“Oops, didn’t see you there,” an instantly recognisable voice laughs from on top of Minho, filling him up with warmth straight away.

“Really now?” Minho laughs back after regaining air to his lungs, “So you just managed to creep up on me and then land directly onto my body without hitting Chan or Felix?”

“Yeah I guess that is true. Must be some kind of magic I have,” Jisung pushes himself off of the other boy before Minho sat up as well, immediately noticing the worried expression on Felix’s face. Subtly, he just places his hand on the other boy’s next to him, reassuring him that he was fine.

“The magic of being able to find me immediately and fall on me? Seems pretty useless if you ask me,” Minho clicks his tongue, not realising how he had missed acting like this.

“Hey guys, any room on the blanket for me to sit down?” another recognisable voice calls out from behind Jisung. That’s when reality hit Minho of what Jisung had just come back from doing.

“Uh, of course Yuli. You can sit here,” Minho moves back slightly for the effortlessly beautiful girl. The light glow of the lights around the field reflected off of her face and hair managing to make her even more stunning than before as she sat down. Jisung had also been watching her, completely mesmerised by everything she did.

Yet again another crack decorated his heart.

Jisung squeezed next to her on the blanket, now holding her hand obviously sending a message to Minho that it had all been successful and the two of them were finally together. Minho holds Felix’s hand slightly tighter, not really knowing why but purely wanting to know someone was there. Thankfully, the other squeezed back before the first firework flew into the sky and distracted all the thoughts in Minho’s head.

He still noticed how Yulin moved into Jisung’s arms and sat between his legs, and how he lent in to give her a slow but passionate kiss as the last few fireworks went into the sky.

Crack

Crack

Two more marks scar his heart as he looks back up at the night sky. Minho hated it. Not just the constant ache his heart had for Jisung but the jealousy and anger aimed at Yulin. How sick he felt whenever he saw either of them but now he will have to endure their relationship for the rest of his foreseeable future.

“Oi, let's go for a walk,” Felix whispers in Minho’s ear as he catches Minho making glances at the two in front of them kissing. Felix helped pull the other and told the rest of the group they were going to the toilet; Jisung barely acknowledged his words and just stared at his new girlfriend.

Once the two boys got far enough away from the others, Minho’s shoulders and head immediately dropped in defeat, not realising how exhausted he had become over holding himself up.

“You don’t need to talk but I am here if you need someone you know. Even if it is just for a hug,” Felix whispered as the two of them walked around, not actually going to the toilet.

Minho only nodded to the other, finding the air a lot more breathable away from everyone else.

“I know it will go away soon. These feelings,” Minho finally said after the boys found themselves standing on the other side of the fair leaning against a fence, “Jisung managed to get rid of his so I can get rid of mine. It is going to hurt but I got myself into this mess. I am the one that got my heart broken, I am the one that said no, I am the one that promised to help Jisung get with Yuli.”

Minho looks down at his hands as he plays with the sleeves of his sweater, mirroring the same movements Jisung had when he asked out the older boy only six months before. He just chuckled at the irony of it all and looked away and off into the distance.

“It isn’t your fault Min. None of it is. It isn’t your fault you got yourself heartbroken, it isn’t your fault that you were left scared, it isn’t your fault that you didn’t reciprocate Jisung’s feelings, it isn’t your fault that you now do. Yes it was a dumb idea to help Jisung ask out Yuli but it isn’t surprising that you would do something like that you idiot,” Felix laughed quietly, trying to find the right words to help Minho, “And yes it will all go away but don’t force it. Don’t keep squashing it all down and hoping they would leave or it will only get worse. I’m guessing this whole situation has been the reason for your identity crisis recently.”

Minho only furrowed his eyebrows and sighed, knowing exactly what Felix is going on about and feeling ashamed for how he has reacted to everything.

“First you go distant from all of us and focus on your studying while completely ignoring our calls. Then you are finally fine and back to normal but constantly zone out of everything happening around you. Then you became hyper affectionate with everyone which was sweet but weird while you wore pastel colours and a smile. And now you are finally just being yourself again. How you acted when Jisung jumped on you and even before that when you just stared at the sky in silence was the real Minho. The one that I for sure have missed with your teasing and peaceful silences. Your hugs and compliments weren’t you,” Felix said all at once, making Minho cringe even more at his behaviour over his stupid feelings for Jisung.

“I just wish I was Yuli,” Minho croaked out, his head dropping to his chest in sadness. Felix’s hand found itself on his back, rubbing in circles. Neither of them said anything else as Minho let his tears drop in silence and Felix kept his hands on his back.

After a few minutes, the silence was abruptly interrupted by Felix’s phone as Jisung called him.

“Yes?” Felix said as he answered the phone, not even bothering with a hello.

_ “Where are you guys? You have been gone for awhile and we are getting ready to go,”  _ Jisung’s voice rung out, Minho being close enough to the phone to hear without it being on speaker.

“We just played one of the games for a bit and got distracted, sorry. We will be there in a min,” Felix quickly said and hung up, not wanting Minho to keep thinking about Jisung.

“Are you ready to go back?” Felix asked Minho as they pushed themselves off of the fence.

“Guess I have to be,” Minho answered solemnly, as he began to walk back towards the others, hoping that when he reached them the tear tracks on his cheeks will have disappeared.

“Time is slow but a healer Min,” is all Felix said before they walked in silence to the others.

  
  
  
  


Time is a shit healer is all Minho could think as each day, week, month went past as he saw Jisung and Yulin. Each day they seemed to have become even more perfect for one another, leaving Minho by himself. Jisung no longer needed him when he had Yuli to give him hugs and support. Minho was useless.

Felix and Chan were the only two that were aware about what was going on with Minho but he still kept the whole extent of everything to himself; never letting them fully see the pain he was going through with regret and jealousy.

Jisung and Yuli were everywhere Minho wanted to be like some kind of curse the universe had put on him. All of his favourite places were now Jisung and Yuli’s, leaving the other boy stuck in his room as it was the only place that Minho doesn’t think about the couple being happy there. Instead he just thinks of what would have happened if he did accept Jisung’s confession. If he just ignored his fear and just did it…

Jisung rarely made plans to see Minho and their weekly sleepover was only a far off memory. The older boy never made plans to see Jisung out of fear of being ignored or that Jisung would be upset that Minho wastes time Jisung could have been spending with Yuli. That is what the knots in his stomach said.

  
  


Minho was now in his last year of university whereas Jisung had graduated with a degree in music; Jisung’s course only being only two years long but Minho’s being five. Minho still saw Jisung every now and then and they would keep up to date with one another through late night conversations on facetime.

It still wasn’t the same as the sleepovers they had had but it was the closest thing to it for Minho. If only Jisung wouldn’t just gush about his girlfriend the whole time.

_ “Minho did you know how much I love you?” _ Minho immediately snapped his eyes open at Jisung’s words through the phone, having zoned out after Jisung went off on one about Yuli again.

“I’m sorry what?”

_ “If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t be as happy as I am now. I would just be watching my crush and feeling empty inside. I can’t deal with that again,” _ Jisung laughed, Minho’s insides immediately squeezing either from Jisung’s laughter or the fact that he put Jisung through the exact same pain he was in right now,  _ “I wouldn’t be here squealing over how cute she looked in her new skirt and jumper today.”  _ Jisung laughed again but all Minho heard was another crack resonating from his heart.

“Well your welcome. I might go now, I have to be up for an early morning lecture and everything. I hope your interview goes well tomorrow. Bye Ji!” Minho lies hurriedly, really not wanting to listen to the other boy talk about Yuli anymore. What hurt even more was that Jisung didn’t see through his lie like he always did in the past. Before, Jisung and Minho would talk for hours on end, neither of them caring about early morning lectures especially as Jisung would joke that Minho was magic as he could work while having hardly any sleep. Jisung in the past would have also known that Minho didn’t have early morning lectures on a Tuesday as he learnt Minho’s timetable every year. When the year began, Minho sent his timetable to Jisung immediately, knowing the other would ask for it like he had done two years in a row.

That is what hurt the most; the little things Jisung stopped doing.

Going back home for the holidays finally gave Minho the break he didn’t realise he needed. Finally he was away from everyone and there was nothing that could remind him of the boy his heart longed to be with. Seeing his mum and sister helped him forget about his whole other life as a university student; for those next few days he could be the Minho that lived and grew up at 14 Orchid Street.

That had worked well for the first two days, him being able to spend time with his sister and able to catch up with his mum. Opening instagram, however, on the Monday morning made everything crumble down.

In front of him was a picture of Jisung and Yuli eating ice cream and another of Yuli leaving a kiss on Jisung’s cheek as he pulled a face. Minho just stared at the photo as he lay on his side, ignoring the sun shining straight into his eyes from the window he had left open overnight.

She looked bewitching next to Jisung, a complete angel from heaven standing next to the man Minho loved. Of course he had no chance trying to get Jisung back.

That’s when Minho thought back to the last conversation he had had with Jisung over the phone. It was all  _ thanks _ to him.

“Oi,” a knock on the door throws all of Minho’s thoughts to the back of his head as he wiped his eyes quickly and sat up, “You’re awake at last! I need to go shopping and mum told me that you have to drive me into town,” Ryujin smiled in a sickenly sweet way before she turned around and went back down the corridor to her room, “We are leaving in twenty minutes so hurry up!”

Minho just slammed his body back down onto the mattress and stared at the ceiling, a part of him was glad of the distraction his sister had given him. Getting dressed and ready was easy as he just pulled on a hoodie and his new pair of jeans his mum had bought him, claiming he needed new ones as all of his had holes in them. She didn’t quite understand the fashion of them being ripped on purpose but Minho still accepted them, grateful he had a new pair.

“OK, so I need to go get an outfit for a party that is happening next weekend for halloween. I want to go as a ghost with blood dripping down me and all the gore. Fuck being sexy, I want to scare little kids,” Ryujin laughed evily next to Minho as he pulled out of the drive way in their parent’s car. Minho only rolled his eyes and smiled, knowing he had to trail behind his sister as she chose her perfect outfit.

The first shop was just as Minho imagined, he would sit outside on the bench as she grabbed as much clothing as she could and tried it all on, claiming she was trying to find the right aesthetic. Minho only stared at his phone, now scrolling through Jisung’s instagram feed.

Yuli was in most of the pictures either posing or just looking effortlessly adorable. Jisung was in some of them, Minho’s eyes immediately found his eyes and smiled slightly at how happy the boy was. That is what he wanted right? For Jisung to be happy?

_ “I wouldn’t be here squealing over how cute she looked in her new skirt and jumper today” _

Minho just stared at the photo of Yuli from that day of that phone call. She was posing by a wall, wearing a plaid skirt and a baby pink jumper. She looked like a model without even trying.

The longer he looked at the photo the more Minho’s arm squeezed around his body; the more he tried to hide himself in his hoodie. He hated how imperfect he was compared to her. How stunning she was in just a skirt and jumper.

If only he could be as pretty.

“Hey what are you doing?” a voice from over his shoulder interrupted, making Minho quickly shove his phone back into his pocket before he turned around. Ryujin had just stared at him with a confused expression, obvious that she had seen the photo that was on Minho’s phone.

“Oh nothing, just looking through instagram,” Minho chuckled as he scratched the back of his neck and got off the bench, “Where to next Little Miss?”

“I thought you were you know, G A Y?” Ryujin whispered to Minho before either of them went anywhere.

“Wha-what?” Minho spluttered slightly, “Yeah I am. Why would you ask that?”

“The way you were looking at that girl. You had a look of longing in your eyes so I assumed you liked her or something. But oh well I was wrong,” Ryujin shrugged, now turned around and had begun to head down the road to the next shop.

Minho followed suit, her words fogged up his brain slightly as the photo of Yuli in the skirt circled around and the jealousy in his heart caused a bitter taste in his mouth. He had been looking at her longingly but in a different way. Minho wanted to be her not with her.

That is all he wanted.

In the next shop, Minho had to join Ryujin inside as she needed someone to hold her bags and unfortunately there wasn’t a bench to sit on outside. As his younger sister tried on more clothes, Minho adventured round the shop, first looking through the different hoodies and sweaters they had and then finding himself in the girl section. Unlike most other shops, the girl section wasn’t much different from the men’s in terms of colours. It wasn’t sickeningly pink or brightly coloured but instead it was all slightly more muted. Ryujin had come in here mainly to find accessories but had seen a couple of tops she claimed she must have. Minho’s eyes scan over the designs on the hoodies and the patterns on the tops. That’s when his eyes find the skirts in the corner.

The photo of Yuli comes back into his memory of her in the skirt and how much Jisung loved it. She looked flawless without even trying. That is all Minho wanted to feel.

To finally be beautiful.

Quickly, he searched through a rack of the skirts, trying to work out which one would fit him the best. It was only a plain black skirt but it had a small chain attached to the side. Minho took the skirt to the desk and paid, trying to be quick but calm to not arouse suspicion from the cashier. He knew she didn’t care from the way she just scanned the skirt and gave it to him but he didn’t want his sister to come and see him doing something so impulsive.

Once away from the cashier, he shoved the bag into his other bag that had Ryujin’s other clothes in it, hoping he wouldn’t forget it was in there.

“Ready to go?” Minho called out once seeing his sister reemerge from the changing rooms.

“Let me just pay, the tops are too expensive. I got some good pictures though,” she whispered,worried that the store workers would have heard her.

Ryujin dragged Minho to three other shops and then to an ice cream parlour which Minho had to ultimately pay for as Ryujin had spent all her money. The skirt in his sister’s bag was long forgotten by the time he got home.

Until Ryujin had come running to his room holding the bag.

“Uh Minho… did you accidentally pick up someone else’s clothes?” Ryujin held up the bag as Minho spans around on his chair.

Shit, shit, shit.

“Oh, um, that is for one of my friends when I go back to uni,” Minho chuckled, not knowing how believable he sounded as he reached for the bag.

“Bullshit,” Ryujin smiled slightly, stretching her arm away from the other, “It isn’t for a friend, it is for that girrrrrl.”

“No it isn’t you piece of shit, now give it back!” Minho gritted his teeth, not realising the aggression and defensiveness that dripped off his words.

“Really now,” Ryujin jumped onto Minho’s bed, still trying to keep it away from Minho, “You like that girl don’t you. Even though you are gay, you still managed to full for a girl. You know that is fine right, you can like boys and girls.” Ryujin danced around Minho as he kept lunging for the bag.

“It isn’t for that fucking girl Ryujin for fuck sake!” Minho panted slightly, now getting tired and frustrated.

“You like her!”

“No I don’t!”

“Yes you do!”

“No I fucking don’t!”

“Yes you dooooooo!”

“I fucking hate her!” Minho finally shouted, ending any kind of playfulness that was in the room, “I hate her with every part of my being. I hate that her eyes shine like stars! I hate that when she laughs it lights up the room! I hate that everything she does is fucking flawless! I hate that she took Jisung’s heart! I hate that I am not her! Now give me the fucking bag Ryujin!”

Tentatively, Ryujin handed over the bag and stepped off his bed in silence. Hearing Minho yell like that was rare and scary as he was usually so level headed when it came down to his anger.

“I’m sorry Minho,” she said as she walked out the door, leaving Minho to fall to his knees in tears. Everything coming out at once had made his head and heart hurt.

In a fit of anger he had threwn the bag across the room and listened to it hit the wall and fall to the floor. The knots in his stomach suffocated him as he cried into his hands.

He felt so stupid for buying the dumb skirt and could barely look at the bag as he lifted his head back up. It was all so stupid and time wasn’t doing anything to help him. Slowly, he crawled into his bed and let everything inside of him out in silent sobs.

Then the emptiness consumed him like it did every time like a cold blanket.

Minho just laid there in silence, no longer crying but just staring at his wall, tired of the constant aching in his heart. The rest of the day and the one after it fell away slowly as Minho stayed in his room, too tired to do anything anymore.

That's how he missed the sound of his door opening and a pair of footsteps that approached his bed. When a dip in the bed caused Minho to fall back slightly does he realise the other person in his room. An arm wrapped itself around his waist and a head leaned against his back.

“It isn’t for a friend is it?” Ryujin whispers carefully from behind Minho. In return he just shakes his head.

“The longing you had in your eyes wasn’t for her but for someone else wasn’t it?” Minho nodded as he held onto his sister’s hand.

“Who is Jisung, Minho? And what is the skirt for?” Ryujin tightened her hold on her older brother.

“Jisung is the boy I can never be with because I was dumb,” Minho laughed breathlessly in self pity, “I could have been with him but I was too much of an idiot to accept his confession and now he is dating a girl that is the literal definition of an angel. They are like the human version of the sun and an angel and fit together like puzzle pieces.”

Minho turned around to now face his sister, he needed to see someone that was actually there.

“How long have you been like this?” Ryujin whispered, sorrow shone in her eyes.

“Well, I always felt something small for him but I never thought about it as I was so head over heels for a dick that ended up cheating on me. That was two years ago but last February Jisung confessed to me. I was so scared of being hurt again I said no. How wrong I was,” Minho finally let the first tear roll out his eye, but was happy to get everything out of him to his sister, “The feelings for him didn’t build until not too long after that. But it was too late, he had already gotten over me and liked someone else. And you know what I did? I helped them get together.”

Minho smiled at the end to his sister, her arm still wrapped around him making him feel better.

“You really are an idiot. How could you do that to yourself. No wonder you hate the girl and are stuck crying on your own,” Ryujin smiled back, only scolding Minho lightly in a playful fashion, “Now explain the skirt situation and why it is such a big deal.”

Minho sat up in his bed, his eyes immediately went to the bag that had remained in the same place since he threw it.

“It was impulsive and I don’t really know why I bought it. I just wanted to be like her and feel pretty,” Minho whispered, his words barely reaching Ryujin.

“Then let’s make you pretty,” Ryujin jumped up, shutting the door and grabbing the bag, “Come on big boy we are going to get you into this skirt and make you look a thousand times better than that other girl. I think you are perfect the way you are Min but I still think the skirt needs to go on.”

Minho didn’t speak and only opened his mouth, knowing it was futile to fight against the determination in Ryujin’s voice.

“I’m going to go through your clothes for a whole outfit, you go put the skirt on and do whatever,” and she was off, throwing the bag at Minho.

It felt nice; the way the soft fabric rubbed against his leg and flared out slightly when he spun around. Ryujin had given him an oversized, cream rugby shirt that had red stripes across the top. She directed him to tuck the shirt in and to then put on a pair of his black boots. She had also removed the mirror from his room so he had to wait until the end of everything before he could see. Ryujin claimed it was because she didn’t want him to see himself and then chicken out. The last thing to put on was a necklace Ryujin had given him through the door.

Still not knowing what he looked like, Ryujin came into the room, holding one bottle of black nail varnish and the other red, “Just one more thing.”

By the end of the afternoon, Minho was standing in his room with a skirt on, his nails painted and slight makeup around his eyes. He still had no idea how he looked but judging from the proud look Ryujin had on her face he was guessing he looked good. Just by wearing the skirt he felt a lot more confident than he had for a long time.

“Now pose!” Ryujin squealed as she grabbed her phone and tried to get into the position to take photos.

“What! I don’t even know what I look like!”

“That is the point! Now just pose and let me take photos and then you can look in the mirror.”

Minho did just that. He tried out different poses, some being cute, some seductive and some playful. In the end both him and Ryujin were laughing together on the bed as Minho had decided to pose with his head between his legs and his underwear showing from under the skirt. It felt so nice to be finally laughing with someone and having fun.

“OK, OK, OK. That one is definitely going into the history books!” Ryujin had sat up, scrolling through the dozens of photos they had taken, “Let me go get your mirror so you can finally see yourself.”

Minho stayed laid down on the bed, slightly nervous over how he would look in a skirt and not wanting to look like a fool.

“Here you go,” Ryujin placed the mirror against the wall again and then heaved Minho up off of the bed against the other’s protests. Minho quickly put a hand in front of his eyes before seeing himself, scared he will just see an idiot in the mirror.

“Trust me Min, you look great,” Ryujin whispered as she made him stand up in front of the mirror.

Slowly, Minho dropped his hand and looked in the mirror. In front of him stood someone he didn’t recognise. In the mirror was someone who breathed confidence, not him.

“Woah…” Minho looked closer at himself, the light from the slowly setting sun glinted against the chain and his necklace. His nail varnish dark against his pale skin and the skirt flattering Minho’s figure, his legs fully out. A slight blush had spread across his face as he smiled at himself, finally feeling pretty.

“Told you you looked good,” Ryujin patted his shoulder, laughing slightly, “I’m going to go so you can have some time to yourself. Love you.”

“Thank you,” is all Minho managed to say as the girl left the room while he stared at himself in the mirror. Gently, he began to sway in the skirt, loving how it felt against his legs.

A smile stayed constantly on his face as he looked down at himself, feeling the prettiest he ever had. Grabbing his phone, Minho posed in the mirror, taking more photos of himself just for the fun of it.

“Minho! Dinner!” a sudden voice shouted up the stairs, startling the boy as he took another photo. Panicking, he took off the skirt, shoved on a pair of joggers from the floor and ran to the bathroom.

“Just a moment!” Minho shouted back as he locked the door and looked at his face in the mirror. Vigorously, he scrubbed the makeup off in the sink, stinging slightly when something got into his eye.

Looking back up Minho only sighed, the confidence he had radiated earlier completely gone as his eyes looked tired and his mouth down turned. He still plastered a smile on his lips as he went downstairs, immediately seeing Ryujin smiling at him sweetly. It was nice to have someone there.

Dinner went the same as normal and soon it was the late hours of the night and Minho was flicking through all the photos both him and his sister had taken. Despite how wonderful he looked, it was all for himself. It wasn’t for anyone else to see, other than his sister, not even Jisung. And Minho was OK with that.

  
  
  


Unfortunately, Minho had to leave early the next day for the train back to the university. No matter how much he wanted to stay with his sister and mother, he knew he had to go back to the stress and heartbreak of his uni life.

What he wasn’t expecting was Jisung sitting against his door once he returned to the dorms staring at his phone.

“Uh...Jisung?” Minho called out as he approached the door, his key already in hand, “Why are you here? Wait how did you even get into the building?”

“Minho!” Jisung jumped up, immediately engulfing said boy into a hug, “You haven’t been replying to my messages and I was getting worried. Also I snuck in with some of the other people in the building who recognised me. Why didn’t you tell me you were at your mum’s?”

“Oh, uh. I guess I thought I already told you,” Minho replied, knowing for sure that he had told the younger boy but he had forgotten anyway, “But I’m back now.”

Minho felt warm seeing the boy in front of him and especially how happy he was to see him return.

“Sleepover tonight! I demand it!” Jisung laughed as he pointed at the door, Minho following and opening the locked door.

“Sir yes sir!” Minho chuckled back, warmth fully engulfing him at the sound of Jisung’s laughs.

Like every other sleep over the two had had, Jisung was immediately on Minho’s bed in his usual position and pulling out a laptop from his bag. Minho already knew what Jisung had probably chosen a studio ghibli film despite them both watching all of their films multiple times. But Minho wouldn’t argue against it.

Both of them sat on the bed with the laptop on both their laps, watching Howl’s Moving Castle as though it was the first time. Jisung’s head was lightly rested on Minho’s shoulder making Minho freeze in fear the younger boy would move away.

“Wow I love that film so much. Lets watch it again!” Jisung laughed as he moved the cursor to the beginning of the film to play from the beginning.

“Jisung no! We did this before and then you didn’t want to watch Spirited Away for two months!” Minho laughed, quickly moving the cursor to the cross at the top of the screen, shutting the player.

“Hmmm, but that was Spirited Away. This is different…”

“Sure love,” Minho chuckled, not noticing the slight pet name that fell out of his mouth.

Before anything else was said though, Jisung’s phone started to ring Yuli's name with a bunch of hearts after it lit up on the screen.

“Ah, just a moment,  _ my love _ ,” Jisung snickered, holding the phone to his ear as he made his way out of the room.

Minho just stared at the door, now remembering how Jisung wasn’t his anymore. Distracting himself, he stared at his phone and scrolled back through the photos his sister had sent him. A smile had found itself back on his lips as he looked at the pictures fondly.

“If only she wasn’t at her parents I would be with her right now,” Jisung’s voice rang out from the door, his phone call with Yuli obviously finished. Minho immediately felt like someone punched him in the stomach as he let what Jisung said settle in. Of course he wasn’t here because he missed him. He was here because his girlfriend wasn’t here to be with him. Minho was only a replacement for her; a shit replacement compared to the angel Yuli was but still one nevertheless. No one would ever choose hanging out with him compared to being with sweet, loving, caring Yuli.

No one.

Minho quickly shoved his phone into his jumper, not wanting Jisung to see the photos but it was too late.

“What was that? What are you hiding from me big boy?” Jisung laughed as he jumped onto the bed next to Minho, his arms immediately trying to reach round and grab the other’s phone.

“Nothing! I was just scrolling through instagram you weirdo,” Minho pulled away from Jisung, panic rising as he knew Jisung didn’t believe him.

“Let me see then. Come on Minho just let me see,” Jisung kept trying to grab his phone and after a few minutes of shoving and tackling, Jisung finally got it.

Minho knew he should have deleted Jisung’s fingerprint from his phone but it was too late. That was his third mistake.

His shouts for Jisung to drop his phone and to get off of him went unnoticed as Jisung looked at the photos of Minho. Neither of them spoke as Minho’s face flushed red and tears of embarrassment welled up in his eyes. Jisung just kept looking through the photos, each swipe hurting Minho more.

“Get the fuck off of me!” Minho finally screamed, not caring how loud he was as he pushed the boy off, grabbed his phone and pointed at the door, “Get out!”

“Minho-”

“I said get the fuck out Jisung!” Minho shouted, tears already sliding down his red cheeks.

Jisung doesn’t say anything else as he grabs his laptop and bag and leaves the room. When the door closed Minho fell to his knees in silence, everything was going so perfectly and then it wasn’t.

Of course it wouldn’t have been perfect, Minho was there and he couldn’t do anything perfectly.

All he was, was a stand in for when Yuli wasn’t around; an idiot in a skirt. Minho opened his phone and stared at the photos, the comfort and warmth he had felt from them gone as he hated himself even more. How stupid was he to think he looked good compared to Yuli. He was merely a boy in a skirt living a delusional fantasy. Jisung was probably laughing at how idiotic he looked…

In a fit of frustration and upset, Minho deleted all the photos of him and threw his phone on his bed. He lifted his knees to his chin and cried into them from his embarrassment and heartbreak as continuous cracks shattered across his heart.

Minho never wore the skirt again after that.

  
  
  


Avoiding Jisung wasn’t hard as the younger was with his girlfriend most of the time anyway. Ignoring the younger’s constant calls and messages was slightly harder but still manageable. Minho couldn’t stand to face the other boy, uneasiness would settle inside of him as he thought about what happened. Jisung had probably laughed with his girlfriend about the photos… 

It was all easy until Chan organised a gathering at his and Felix’s apartment. It wasn’t a big thing but just the group of them agreeing to meet up and hang out for the night. Minho was excited to see all his other friends and to just relax instead of studying. Felix and Chan yet again checked in with him, them both knowing he had been avoiding Jisung but not knowing why. At least that comforted him slightly; Jisung hadn’t told them about the photos.

It was when Yuli and Jisung turned up at the door did Minho wish he was anywhere else but there. Felix and Chan both looked awkwardly at one another as they saw the girl enter the apartment with Jisung, also not expecting her to be there.

“I’m sorry for interrupting your guy night, I just came to say hi and drop this off,” Yuli giggled slightly, holding up a bag.

“It is fine, we actually like you, you see, so don’t feel bad,” Hyunjin laughed from the floor in front of the sofa.

Yuli just laughed back and went into the small kitchen to drop off whatever was in the bag, Minho noticed how she avoided his eyes as soon as she entered.

She knew.

Jisung also followed her into the kitchen as Chan and Felix came back into the middle of the apartment, both of them smiled awkwardly at Minho.

“I forgot I let her borrow the new mixer I got. I didn’t realise she would be here,” Felix whispered to Minho as he sat next to him, Chan going to sit with Seungmin and Jeongin on the other side of the sofa.

“It’s fine. It isn’t a big deal,” Minho shrugged, getting annoyed at how much Chan and Felix had been babying him over everything. It felt suffocating.

“I know I know, I just want to make sure you are ok,” Felix sighed.

“Well I need the toilet so don’t start the film until I get back,” Minho called out, wanting to have a moment to refresh himself.

The toilet was just next to the kitchen so as he walked past he saw Jisung and Yuli talking quietly to one another. Shutting the door to the small bathroom, Minho sighed and splashed some water on his face before relieving himself.

Inside, everything felt calm as much as it could be. The knots in his stomach had relaxed slightly and the cracks on his heart were no longer bleeding. Quietly, Minho left the toilet but quickly stayed in the doorway after hearing someone say his name.

“You are going to talk to Minho right?” Yuli said quietly to Jisung as they stood in each other's arms.

“I will try but I still don’t think he is over what happened. So much has been going on with him recently I don’t know what to do,” Jisung sighed, leaning into Yuli and resting his head on the crook of her neck.

“We’ve spoken about this, he is your friend and you need to make sure you are there for him.”

“But it is so difficult. I love him to bits for everything he has done but I can’t be bothered to keep dealing with his mood swings and whatever else he is doing in his own time,” Jisung whined slightly, Minho’s heart starting to bleed again as the cracks opened up. Of course he was just a burden to Jisung, a replacement and a burden.

“Don’t say that. I have to go now so you can have fun with your friends. Hopefully I can get home before I freeze to death,” Yuli smiled to Jisung, pulling out of their small hug.

“Wait, have this. I don’t need it now I have the hoodie you gave me. I barely wear it anyway,” Jisung moved quickly to his bag, pulling out a familiar hoodie.

“Isn’t this the one Minho gave you?” Yuli accepts the hoodie and pulls it on, Minho suffocating in silence over everything happening in front of him.

“Like I said, I don’t need it. I used to wear it all the time but I don’t need to hold onto it anymore,” Jisung then lent over and gave Yuli a kiss, the final stab to Minho’s heart.

“OK, OK, I’m going mister! Be good. Bye guys!” Yuli called out the last part to the rest of the guys in the living room, earning shouts back. That is when Minho silently went back into the living room without being spotted.

Oh how Minho wished he could have just left the bathroom and gone back to the living room. Mistake number four.

  
  


Then they were back to strangers again. Minho stopped speaking to Jisung completely and Jisung stopped trying to talk to Minho. None of the other boys bothered to get the two of them together again, Minho believing that Chan and Felix told them not to but he was thankful.

He would rather be a stranger to Jisung than a burden. By the time it got to the end of the academic year, Minho hadn’t seen or heard from Jisung since Jeongin’s birthday in February. It had been over a year since the confession and yet it felt like so long ago. Chan, Felix and Seungmin all came to his graduation, Minho smiling happily to have them by his side.

He could finally leave the nightmare he had been in for four years.

  
  
  
  


“Jisung’s moving to America,” Seungmin tells Minho as the two of them meet up for a coffee, this being the beginning of many years of going to the same coffee shop every month together.

“What?” Minho’s heart suddenly jumped after hearing Jisung’s name for the first time in so long.

“Yeah, he got a producer deal thing over there so him and Yuli are moving there together. It is so sweet that they are still together. I wonder if they would ever get married?” Seungmin said as he sat down at one of the tables with his mug of tea.

“Oh, I didn’t know. When is he leaving?” Minho replied, taking a sip from his own drink. After months of not seeing the other, his feelings had long disappeared but everything that had happened still left his heart covered in bandages.

“This weekend. We are all going to send him off you know. Hopefully, you can make it,” the tone in Seungmin’s voice sounded slightly hopeful at the end.

“I will try but I don't know,” Minho hummed, not knowing himself if he wanted to see Jisung leave or not, “Anyway what have you been up to?” and the rest of the afternoon went by as the two of them catched up on each other’s life.

Minho should have said goodbye. He should have been there with the rest of his friends. He should have gone to the airport to at least wave his friend away. 

He should have, but he didn’t.

Instead, he took up an extra shift at the vet he was working at just so he had an excuse not to go. He didn’t know what inside of him made him do it but he did.

Now it was too late.

Jisung was gone now.

  
  
  
  


Minho was still staring at the coffee table while the loneliness sat inside of him. That was his final mistake. Not saying goodbye. Everything that had happened, stayed piled up over his head whenever he thought of the younger boy.

If only he said goodbye and finally let that chapter of his life end.

Luckily, Jisung had reached out to him after a month in America and him and Minho managed to have one of their all night conversations. Well it was all night for Minho, it was still day time for Jisung. It was nice but the regret and guilt of not waving the boy goodbye still rested on Minho’s shoulders.

That was almost three years ago. Now he had just found out Jisung had gotten married and he had no idea. If only he tried harder. Another regret joining the rest of them sitting on Minho’s shoulders.

Despite all his emotions towards Jisung having left his heart, he still found himself longing for the boy. A small hole in his heart for where his best friend used to be was now occupied by loneliness.

No one had managed to take that spot. Maybe if Minho decided to open up to people more, someone could fill it. Maybe if Minho let that door shut and finally let go of everything, it would close.

Maybe if Minho checked his email he would have seen the waiting wedding invitation from Jisung.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey  
> I hope you enjoyed this little bit of angst  
> It is all bittersweet at the end  
> And yeah this all came to me after listening to Heather way too many times but oh well  
> yeah i dont know what else i am meant to say so bon soir


End file.
